Injured Reserve-Gate Doesn't Quite Have the Same Ring

Former Patriots great Ross Tucker knows for a fact that Patriots players on IR practiced with the team!!

Here are the advantages of doing this:
1. The player develops his skills over the course of the year
2. The player stays involved with the team, building camaraderie and knowledge of the system
3. By giving the player on IR more practice reps, you can give veterans more rest.

Cheating? sure, I guess. Does it affect any games at all? No. Occasionally, Holy Roman Emperor Belichick will give kudos to a practice squad member that helped prepare them that week by imitating the opposing QB. But that's about as big of a deal as it gets.

At this point, people are just looking for anything else they can throw against the wall and stick.

Here is a comment from the reader comments that I loved from the Philadelphia Eagle's Editorial (someone named Brian) about how Senator Arlen Specter should be concentrating on other matters:

"Dear Senator,

I coach youth soccer and we have certain rules that are in place so that all the kids play the same amount of time. Last week we played a team that sat one of their less talented players for 2 quarters, clearly breaking the rules. We lost the game Senator! Their coach clearly cheated! well my goalie didn't show up and we let in 4 easy goals, but that's not the point. They clearly cheated and I am asking that you and the other Senator's investigate them. The opposing coach being influenced by Bill Belichick and company is running rampant and needs to be stopped! I feel that now is a good time to conduct the investiagation as gas prices are back down to 2 dollars a gallon, the economy is on the rise, and no one is dying in Iraq any more.

Thanks Senator

Credibility - Of Which We Have None

There is a point in every stretched-thin news story where the media at-large decides on what the absolute correct opinion is, and that any dissenting opinions have no merit or credibility.

Imagine a group of overweight, middle-aged reporters standing at the edge of the pool afraid that the water is too cold. Finally one reporter decides to throw caution to the wind, close his eyes, and jump in. Well, that guy did it, so it must be okay. So they all jump in the pool, whining like little girls, until they get used to the cold water. Then another reporter comes by dips a foot in, says it's too cold, and the rest of the reporters, start to taunt him for thinking the water is too cold and that he should just jump in already. The lone reporter now has to decide whether to take the taunting and believe his own foot, or jump in because these now-purple-skinned, shivering, fat guys are stuttering through clenched teeth that its warm.

Because this analogy involves a reporter, he of course jumps in, then makes vague indications to support that the water is warm, but it is also very cold. Three months from now when he is confronted about it, he will say that he always advocated that it was warm from the start.

Previous news-related examples include:

1. Post-9/11, if you disagreed with anything the government did, you were un-American.
2. If you believe that Barry Bonds should be in the Hall of Fame, you are blind and have no credibility.
3. If prior to 2001, you didn't think Derek Jeter was the best shortstop ever, you had no credibility.
4. If you think that a very large part of the reason Joe Torre and Phil Jackson have been so successful is because they went where the talent was, you were blind and also had no credibility.
5. If you thought Brett Favre wasn't the greatest warrior the world has ever seen, and that you not-so-secretly have a man-crush on him, you have no credibility.
6. If you listened to the entire speech that Reverend Wright gave instead of the 30 second soundbite, and then dared to utter the word "context" you are not only un-american, you are also a traitor with no credibility, and possibly an illegal alien.

There are tons of examples. The new and most obvious is this:

You have no credibility on SpyGate if:

1. You are a Patriots fan and don't think Belichick should be banned for life
2. You don't think asterisks should be stitched on to the Patriots' uniform
3. You believe that Belichick did not in fact rewind the tape at half time, analyze it, plan for it, then put it into the game in the 3rd quarter.
4. You believe that scouts, coaches, and the random "who are they" people that sit in the booth write down signals and use them if they don't have Flying Elvis on their sleeve.
5. You believe Jimmy Johnson, Phil Simms, and the number of other coaches and former players that said they knew the opponents signals.
6. You don't believe everything Matt Walsh said, but do think he's lying about a walk-through tape.

Since this is the Evil Patriots Blog and we are here to celebrate the glory and the evil genius that might have contributed .05% (I upped it from my original estimate of .00004%) to that success, then my credibility never got established in the first place.

Of course I'm perfectly fine with that. The fact that I do believe he cheated, that he was disingenuous during his CBS interview in having us believe he didn't know it was wrong, is beside the point. I don't care. I love his arrogance. More so, I love the purple vein that pops out of every media member's neck when they hear it. He was already hated before the start of last season. He was already the anti-Christ to Tony Dungy's Ned Flanders. This just cemented it as a fantastic story of good vs evil, where "good" is self-righteous and boring, and evil is centered and more reflective of our desire to see the guy in the white hat lose in the end.

It's why we root harder for Michael Corleone than Fredo, or Hannibal Lecter more than the insufferable Clarise Starling.

Evil will always triumph because good is dumb. It's why we can root for evil but not for serial killers and terrorists. Because serial killers and terrorists believe they are the good guys. Just like class-act Marvin Harrison who apparently got a get-out-of-media-scrutiny-free card with his last contract.

So to sum up, the reason why this blog might have even a small amount of credibility is that we celebrate what we know is evil, rather than seek to refute it.

"A little evil is often necessary for obtaining a great good."
-Voltaire

SpyGate has led to microphones being put into the helmet of an offensive player as it already is on defense. So thank you Bill Belichick for striving to create an equitable and fair playing condition in football. You are the bright light that shines upon those with sensitive eyes.

SpyGate 2 - The Search For a Story

"The Constitution gave us not only the right but the duty to create our own rules, including the rules concerning our ethics. They are enforced internally by the Senate itself."
- -Senator Arlen Specter speaking to his 2006 "nay" vote for creating a Senate Office of Public Integrity...because the Senate is great at policing itself

"What is necessary is an objective investigation," Specter said at a news conference in the Capitol. "And this one has not been objective."
-Senator Arlen Specter today regarding SpyGate

0
-Number of times in his long illustrious career that Senator Arlen Specter has called for a Senate investigation on ethics.

"The tension between Senator Specter and me was measurable. The process seemed to break down completely. Senator Specter would repeat the same questions until he got the answer he wanted.... To the press and spectators, we must have sounded silly and ill tempered. More than one sigh erupted from the seats behind me as Specter returned to the questioning and I once more gave my explanation. Clearly, neither of us would budge from our position.

Something in the back of my head said, 'Just say what he wants you say and get on with it.' But I was much too stubborn to do that. And the more he pursued it, the more inclined I was to resist. Digging in was, perhaps, for me one way of hanging on to some amount of my dignity. By now I knew that his questions were both insincere and ill informed. Though I tried to answer him, I was equally determined that the senator not put words in my mouth."

-from Anita Hill's book Speaking Truth to Power about her experience during the nomination proceedings for Clarence Thomas

Now, for the record, I like Arlen Specter's voting record overall. He was voted one of America's 10 Best Senators in Time Magazine after all. He's a moderate Republican who Republicans hate and Democrats don't trust. That's someone your average person who hates Hannity AND Colmes can relate to.

But it's pretty obvious from his press conference today and knowing what we know about him, that he's the kind of person who wades through the facts to get to the vague allegations of a very obviously revenge-driven former employee, to support his own conclusions. Why are the words of Matt Walsh gospel? Is it because he acknowledged that he didn't have a walk-through tape so he must be on the level?

Now Senator Specter wants an independent investigation. This is from a man who was a key member of the Warren Commission that investigated the death of JFK. So he knows all about hastily thrown together investigations that don't involve interviewing key witnesses so that preconceived theories can be put forth as fact that no one will ever question in the future.

I say bring on the independent investigation. Since this is the Evil Patriots Blog and I figure that everyone I hate would be a member of this investigative team with absolutely no axes to grind, here is my list of candidates for the investigation. I encourage you to submit your own as well if I've missed any good choices:

SpyGate Commission:

Co-Chair: Arlen "Eagles were not tired, they were victims" Specter
Co-Chair: Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy (to provide moral integrity)

Members:
1. Conduct a random lottery of every senator that receives campaign contributions from Comcast (such as Arlen Specter) so that the investigation can somehow mandate that all citizens be allowed to have the NFL Network.

2. Former NFL players that never cheated, punched or kicked their opponents, or tried to manipulate the referees such as Chris Carter and Mark Schlereth to represent the outraged former players that are still appalled by this.

3. Gregg Easterbrook to represent NASA.

4. Hillary Clinton, she'll have free time soon and will need to find someone to take out her anger on.

5. Nancy Grace. I hate that self-righteous biatch.

6. SI's Peter King. Because with all the investigating someone needs to bring coffee. And that will provide a good solid page of travel notes for his MMQB.

7. John Tomase, Boston Herald. When you run out of ideas and need something to reinvigorate a dead story, he's your man.

8. Julie Mangini. what? It's not Eric, it's his wife. There's no conflict at all.

9. Celtics coach Doc Rivers. Strategist.

10. The whole crew at ESPN:360 who's melodramatic recreation of team meetings where they look WAY too interested in what non-story their colleague is discussing with such fervor, should really come in handy here.

By the way, oil reached a new record today, two massive natural disasters happened in the past week, foreclosures continue to climb (nothing in the mail today!), Iran will be able to actually put up rather than shut up soon, Vladimir Putin is Dictator For Life, Darfur - it's not just for celebrities any more, 800 illegal immigrants just crossed our border while I thought about what to say about Darfur, baby boomers are about to realize healthcare doesn't care at all, I am never ever going to see a social security benefit in my lifetime.

But who cares? Congress will be commiting your tax payer dollars to an independent investigation of just how extensively a coach of a game of football taped the signals of other coaches that knew it was happening and didn't care.

Good times.

And We're Back!

Hello everyone, sorry it's been so long since I've posted on here (despite promising many more posts than the two I've submitted since the depressingly awful superbowl). Quick side note, every time I see the Celtics play on the road in the post season, it reminds me of the Superbowl. It's just mind-numbingly ridiculous that teams that can be that good at home could suddenly look so bad on the road. The Patriots weren't terrible on the road obviously, just really bad at the worst possible time.

Now that SpyGate D-Day is upon us, I thought it a good time to get back on the horse and chime in with some overdo comments (if I got paid for this I think I could start relating to why the SportsGuy seems to go weeks without submitting more than a podcast).

1. SpyGate - I actually feel let down. I didn't want to hear about a Rams walkthrough tape, but I did want to hear about the Steelers in the AFC Championship, because I hate the Steelers so much. I get the feeling there was a little more than what they were punished for, but not enough that Roger Gooddell couldn't sweep it under the carpet. So that ends that. Now what's next for Spygate?
• Meet your new most-hated man in Boston: John Tomase of the Boston Herald. John Tomase, the guy that looks like his sources all came from the World of Warcraft, was the writer who "broke" the story the #@$! day before the Superbowl about the Patriots taping a walkthrough of the Rams with his 1 whole source. I know times have changed a bit, but in my college journalism class, it was grilled into me that I needed three sources for a story, especially one where allegations were involved.
• Dale Arnold HAAAAATTTTTEEEESSSSS John Tomase right now and he's having a very difficult time saying it without actually saying it. And I liked the fact that Michael Holley, a former journalist, now puff piece sports book writer, took the Herald to task for it.
• Right now, it's 2:30pm on Tuesday, and Gregg Easterbrook, Bob Kravitz, Mike Fish, and so many others are getting ready to write their "They still cheated and should be stoned to death like the blasphemous sons of whores that they are" columns. Their saving grace is that Senator Arlen Specter just spit up his Tapioca pudding when he heard Roger Gooddell say that nothing new was learned about taping signals and will surely come out to denounce the Patriots tomorrow. He will subsequently work day and night to get a bill ratified that will officially recognize the Philadelphia Eagles as Superbowl Champions.
• 2:35 PM, still no story of any kind about the SpyGate press conference on the Boston Herald website. But of course it couldn't bump more important stories off the front page like this gem: "Vatican: It's OK to Believe in Aliens" (I'm not even making that up). According to the new anti-Herald Dale Arnold, they didn't even send someone to New York for the press conference. Wonder why?
  

2. NFL Draft - Is there anything more over hyped than the NFL draft? I did watch the first round (though to be honest I flipped over and watched Glory...one of those movies that when you click by it, you're obligated to watch...kind of like Schindler's List and Roadhouse). I'm pretty happy the first round times were cut to speed it up. It was almost worth watching 5 people on the ESPN set talk nonsense about players they are currently mis-reading. I think Mel Kiper is the sports equivalent of a New England meteorologist. He's wrong constantly, but occasionally even the weather guy will call for a sunny day that is.

3. I thought the Patriots did well in the draft for what that's worth. I had been holding out hope that Chris Long would somehow fall to the Chiefs at #5 and the Patriots would deal for him, which is apparently what they were hoping as well. But Mayo was a good pick. The downside is that I can't watch Monday Night Countdown any more after games where May has a sack or interception because I really don't think I'm up for the next 10 years worth of Chris Berman "Hold the Mayo" jokes. And I felt really good every time they showed the top 10 pick board with the teams' respective 2007 records. That was just gravy.

4. A nice surprising and refreshing change of pace was this week's NFL power rankings (coincidence that Sportsline, ESPN, and SI.com all came out with them this week?). Instead of the "well the SB champs are #1 until someone knocks them off" nonsense, everyone put the Giants around #5. Well done. The Evil Patriots are #1, ensuring the hatred of every non-Patriots fan will continue to boil right through opening weekend (no national Patriots game? They have a 16 game winning streak on the line, were AFC Champs, and not national game. We'll call it even for the Patriots allowing a guy on IR to practice back in 2001, which was a revelation from Matt Walsh today).

5. Does anyone else get the feeling that we're going to remember the 2008 Bruins playoffs more warmly than the 2008 Boston Celtics post season?

6. I love Bill Russell. Let me get that out of the way. BUT...you're as proud of Kevin Garnett as you are of your own children? Does that mean when you take them to games, that at the end of the third quarter they stand up and tell you they're leaving? And what does that mean that you'll share one of your championships with him? Will he get a ring from you? Does Paul Pierce now start feeding Tommy Heinsohn a bottle of Jack before each game (to go with the one he finishes before half time) so that maybe he'll get the same offer? And what if Larry Bird told Ray Allen he was as proud of him as his kids? How would Ray Ray respond to that from the guy who only acknowledged his daughter when he wrote her name on support checks? Yeah...I went there. Love Larry Bird the basketball player and he'll always be my favorite...I probably won't nominate him for father of the year though. Of course he seems to be a notch above Karl Malone (check out ESPN.com's Jemele Hill's column on Karl's relationship with his kids from other mothers...not so heartwarming).

7. One more thing on SpyGate. I guess I should have seen this coming. John Tomase wraps up the most hated man in Boston. But, Black Ops Commander Ernie Adams will be the media punching bag until he agrees to come out from under deep cover to explain his role with the Patriots. He's the one that received the tapes, and it's been speculated for a long time now that he does the dirty work for our evil overlord Bill Belichick.

8. 60% of the 35000+ people who voted on ESPN.com dissaprove of the recent handling of SpyGate by the NFL. If you had the New England States as the only states that would vote for "yes", you would be wrong. Michigan has our back baby!! I guess when your team is the Lions but there is a winning team with a star Michigan quarterback, it's time to hitch a ride on the Evil Patriots bandwagon.

9. Is it blasphemous for me to secretly wish for two straight Red Sox seasons where they finish in last place so that that bandwagon will clear out a little? Possibly my biggest pet peeve of the last 10 years is the whole notion of "Red Sox Nation" which started as a goof fan-based movement because of how many transplants that can't afford to live in this !@#$ state any more show up to away games. When they started selling membership cards for it, I (taking a note from the SportsGuy) "threw up in my mouth". When they held a rigged election for President of Red Sox Nation, no one was surprised that massively over-exposed, shameless self-promoter, Jerry Remy got the gig. Even then I was letting it go. But then Jordan Furniture put out their ridiculously impossible sweepstakes commercial where they have to not only make the world series again this year, but also sweep whoever they play, and used Jerry Remy (as Red Sox Nation president) to call whichever brother that is that didn't know it was time to retire, and beg "on behalf of Red Sox Nation" to extend the sweepstakes another week. Since the first time I hear the term Red Sox Nation (it was 1999, the road trip that ended with Pedro striking out 17 in Yankee Stadium), I have never introduced myself as a member because it's the equivalent of putting a pink hat on my head. But, that commercial was the nail in the coffin for me. I haven't been to a game since 2005 (because the tickets that used to be available now go to the prospective clients of John Hancock Insurance and the friends of Citizens Bank). So I figure that two straight years of last place finishes should clean out all of the people who go to the game so that they can call their friends on the cell phones and wait for the wave to get to their section.

10. Tony Dungy is an ass. We get it. You're a man of high moral character that does everything the "right way" all the time. But even the sanctimonious jackasses of the world start to rub people the wrong way when their self-righteousness becomes elitist judging of others for not striving to be as morally superior as yourself.

Thanks for checking in and I'm promising "for realz" that there the updates will be more frequent and no doubt I'll have plenty more on SpyGate tomorrow when the columnists dismiss today's events to call for the banishment of Belichick from coaching ever again.

Also thanks to all of the readers that emailed me with thoughts, questions, and threats if I didn't post something soon. Your warm wishes and fear-mongering tactics brought me here today.